Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Grim Reaper licks his own ass

It seems that a cat living in a Providence, R.I., hospital has this funny habit of curling up next to patients who are about to kick the bucket. He’s been right on the money at least 25 times. Maybe the kitty believes it can absorb the souls of the dead, thereby accumulating the power to manipulate and wage psychological warfare on their loved ones.

Or maybe it’s just a really crummy hospital.

Vickless, hopeless Falcons

I don’t see how No. 7 gets anywhere near a football field this year. This is good news for the Saints, even though we were going to sweep Atlanta again anyway. Too bad a bunch of pit bulls had to die in order for the Falcons to be eliminated from playoff contention. You will be remembered as martyrs, dearly departed pups.

If you sincerely believe Atlanta has a chance this year with Joey Harrington under center, you are Joey Harrington’s mom.

More Obamabloggery

That middle name could be a serious liability if he gets nominated. He may want to go ahead and consider changing it to Jesus.

Then again, even if the GOP doesn’t use that against him, it’s inevitable that some talk show cro-magnon will get the idea to call him “Balack Osama.” Hopefully they’ll think that’s utterly tasteless and not clever enough. This is, however, the far right we’re talking about.

I only caught the very end of the program, but the general consensus is that Hillary took everyone else to school in the groundbreaking, earthshaking, Anderson-Cooper-improv-star-making CNN/YouTube debate. And a lot of people are huffing and puffing over Obama’s stance on talking to dictators. Perhaps they’d be less surprised if they had read my not-unfunny post from the other day about his diplomatic potential.

And while we’re on the subject, where did John Edwards get off making that snide remark about Sen. Clinton’s coat? Does he want to shake his new reputation as a fashion elitist or not?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Ahh you readaay fo’ some amateur prognostication?

I don’t know about you, but I’m in the mood to start talking about some fuckin’ football.

I know it’s early, but, as they say on ESPN, there’s no offseason. Of course there isn’t, precisely because ESPN perpetuates its coverage of the NFL year-round. I like that. I find the NBA boring, I have no respect for Major League Baseball right now, and I think the NHL should just go ahead and fold. And don’t even get me started on NASCAR.

Anyway, pretty soon I’ll start projecting final standings for each division. After that, I’ll provide my playoff picks, and ultimately announce my pick for the Super Bowl. You will most likely bookmark all of my posts and be awed in February when my gift of uncanny foresight becomes evident. You may also be compelled to pay me a sum of money to advise you on your fantasy picks for the ensuing season.

I should note that my analysis is always based on a very pedestrian knowledge of the league and its teams. No X’s and O’s here. Just what my gut tells me. And I usually give those who actually cover the league a run for their money. I picked Indianapolis to go all the way back in August. Peter King and Dr. Z did not. I can’t even begin to imagine their embarrassment.

You may want to put off calling your bookie until I get through.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Reagan factor

Now that I’ve all but convinced you of the validity of an Obama nomination, let’s discuss a prospective running mate. I think I’ve come up with an idea that would almost certainly capture the left-leaning-independent and ill-informed-and-utterly-confused conservative votes. I propose the selection of a prominent liberal with dynamite crossover appeal — Ron Reagan.

Imagine the campaign ads in, say, an Obama-Giuliani race. “What ticket would you rather vote for? One that includes a man who was merely influenced by the father of modern American conservatism or a man who was fathered by the father of modern American conservatism?”

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The case for Obama

I won’t pretend to have this well-considered and reasonable justification for supporting the junior Illinois senator for the Democratic nomination. I really just want to vote for a black liberal. Particularly one of exotic origin who has a cool name. To vote for such a creature would make me feel very hip and very progressive. And I need to feel that way because I am still young and have yet to become a family man or obtain the resources necessary to own a home in a middle-class neighborhood.

This is all cute and funny until you realize that I’m not being sarcastic. This is really how I think.

Okay, I do have a few good reasons for favoring the biracial wunderkind. I think he’d put a friendlier face on America where foreign policy is concerned. That’s kind of important. It also helps that he isn’t Hillary, Rudy, Mitt or that guy from Law & Order. I can’t see any one of those nincompoops changing America for the better. Giuliani would torture all Muslims and ferrets. Romney would immediately start sending potentially dangerous dogs to a newly expanded Gitmo detention facility. Fred Thompson would leave office to take a starring role in a new sitcom as Ray Romano’s lovable-but-Italian-hating next-door neighbor. Clinton would let her husband turn the White House into Bunnyranch East.

Obama wouldn’t do any of those things. He’d probably get Kim Jong-Il, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and Muqtada Al-Sadr into a circle for an African tribal singalong, followed by anti-nuclear-proliferation and renunciation-of-terrorism pacts signed in ape’s blood.

Oh yeah…and his voice sounds just like The Rock’s.


Still waiting for you to cut your husband’s dick off, Wendy Vitter. See, there’s this thing called “walking the walk.”

Memo to al-Zawahiri: Fuck. You.

Surely the world’s largest terrorist organization has bigger things to worry about than the knighthood of Salman Rushdie. According to No. 2’s latest podcast, however, that’s clearly not the case. For Sir Salman, the solution is easy — challenge them all to a joust!

Poor guy. First his hot wife bolts, and now the goddamn jihadists are after him again.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

This Week In Stuff That's Charming

Tiny robots go at it in a soccer tournament at Georgia Tech. The funny thing about this is that, in all likelihood, most Americans would take considerably greater interest in this than the World Cup - the one played by human beings - if it were given the same level of hype.

This isn't just a bunch of nanotech eggheads mucking about, though. The idea is to someday train these wee robots to fight disease:

"The team one day hopes to be able to send their robots into a human's bloodstream to treat cancer, cell defects or for other medical uses."

...but not before we find out how well they perform in the 4-4-2 formation.

Mitt Bit Dog Shit

You know your campaign is screwed when the powerful canine lobby turns against you. Why all the growling and baring of fangs? Seems he did a Clark Griswold and tied his Irish setter to the top of his car during a long road trip back in 1983. The pooch - called Seamus, I guess because he was Irish and everything - returned the favor by defecating on the rear window of the Romney family truckster.

Someone should start a "Pit Bulls Against Michael Vick" blog now.