The Jerk

Damn...Bernadette Peters was hot in that. What a rack. Oh yeah....hilarious movie, too.

Same old you-know-whos

The Saints are a bad football team right now. They’re getting mauled in the trenches, which is why they can’t run or pass or defend against the run or the pass. And now they’re without a feature running back — possibly a bigger blow than Atlanta losing Michael Vick. Without a workhorse rusher in the backfield, it will be damn near impossible to regain the spark that fueled last year’s offensive fireworks. Kornheiser and Jaworski were correct on MNF — Reggie Bush has proved to be nothing more than an occasional playmaker who lacks the ability to produce consistently. Fortunately, he’s still very young and has an entire career ahead of him to figure out what kind of player he wants to be. Time, however, isn’t on the side of poor Deuce McAllister, who will be 29 next season and has now torn both ACLs.

Perhaps if the line play improves, things could pick up a little, but it’s looking more and more like this team is doomed for ’07. A return to 3-13 looks like a very real possibility, although we long-suffering fans are hoping for the best.

I’m telling you, these guys made a deal with the Devil (or Paul Tagliabue at the very least) last year, and now they’re paying for it.

It's over

Not the season. There's still a helluva lot of football to be played in 2007. I'm referring to the hype. The bandwagon is now empty. It's time to get serious and "Earn It," as they say in the commercials and on those new T-shirts.

The Saints will have to win about four or five in a row to get the buzz going again. I'm sorry, but serious Super Bowl contenders don't get beaten 41-10*, even to the Colts. Anyone thinking perhaps there was a reason Indy let Jason David walk?

I'm just glad this is Week 1 and not 10 or 12.


* Alright, I know the Super Bowl-winning Patriots of 2003 got beaten 31-0 by the lowly Bills in Week 1. But that's the Patriots, who have a talent for defying reason.

My forecast

This is how I think it’ll all shake out. I was right on the nose with picking Indy to win it all last year, but less so in forecasting that they’d defeat the mighty Redskins.

AFC East:

1. New England
2. New York Jets
3. Buffalo
4. Miami

AFC North:

1. Baltimore
2. Pittsburgh*
3. Cincinnati
4. Cleveland

AFC South:

1. Indianapolis
2. Jacksonville
3. Tennessee
4. Houston

AFC West

1. San Diego
2. Denver*
3. Kansas City
4. Oakland

NFC East

1. Philadelphia
2. Dallas*
3. Washington
4. New York Giants

NFC North

1. Chicago
2. Green Bay
3. Minnesota
4. Detroit

NFC South

1. New Orleans
2. Carolina
3. Tampa Bay
4. Atlanta

NFC West

1. Seattle
2. St. Louis*
3. Arizona
4. San Francisco

AFC Wild Card: San Diego over Pittsburgh, Baltimore over Denver
AFC Divisional Playoffs: New England over San Diego, Indianapolis over Baltimore
AFC Championship: New England over Indianapolis

NFC Wild Card: St. Louis over Philadelphia, New Orleans over Dallas
NFC Divisional Playoffs: Seattle over St. Louis, Chicago over New Orleans
NFC Championship: Seattle over Chicago

Super Bowl XLII: New England over Seattle

Giuliani

Nothing like C-SPAN madness on a Saturday night. Anyway, social conservatives would be foolish to shun this guy on account of his personal life, views on abortion, etc. I would say that they should just, you know, evolve, but they don't, you know, believe in that stuff. You know?

This is pretty damning

Dear Mitt Romney,

Yeah...so I'm watching footage of you speaking at the Midwest Republican Leadership Conference. And I've come to the following conclusion.

You are about as vapid as I am. Seriously. Ever hear of a thing called substance?

That's it.

Love,

BP

The Grim Reaper licks his own ass

It seems that a cat living in a Providence, R.I., hospital has this funny habit of curling up next to patients who are about to kick the bucket. He’s been right on the money at least 25 times. Maybe the kitty believes it can absorb the souls of the dead, thereby accumulating the power to manipulate and wage psychological warfare on their loved ones.

Or maybe it’s just a really crummy hospital.

Vickless, hopeless Falcons

I don’t see how No. 7 gets anywhere near a football field this year. This is good news for the Saints, even though we were going to sweep Atlanta again anyway. Too bad a bunch of pit bulls had to die in order for the Falcons to be eliminated from playoff contention. You will be remembered as martyrs, dearly departed pups.

If you sincerely believe Atlanta has a chance this year with Joey Harrington under center, you are Joey Harrington’s mom.

More Obamabloggery

That middle name could be a serious liability if he gets nominated. He may want to go ahead and consider changing it to Jesus.

Then again, even if the GOP doesn’t use that against him, it’s inevitable that some talk show cro-magnon will get the idea to call him “Balack Osama.” Hopefully they’ll think that’s utterly tasteless and not clever enough. This is, however, the far right we’re talking about.

I only caught the very end of the program, but the general consensus is that Hillary took everyone else to school in the groundbreaking, earthshaking, Anderson-Cooper-improv-star-making CNN/YouTube debate. And a lot of people are huffing and puffing over Obama’s stance on talking to dictators. Perhaps they’d be less surprised if they had read my not-unfunny post from the other day about his diplomatic potential.

And while we’re on the subject, where did John Edwards get off making that snide remark about Sen. Clinton’s coat? Does he want to shake his new reputation as a fashion elitist or not?

Ahh you readaay fo’ some amateur prognostication?

I don’t know about you, but I’m in the mood to start talking about some fuckin’ football.

I know it’s early, but, as they say on ESPN, there’s no offseason. Of course there isn’t, precisely because ESPN perpetuates its coverage of the NFL year-round. I like that. I find the NBA boring, I have no respect for Major League Baseball right now, and I think the NHL should just go ahead and fold. And don’t even get me started on NASCAR.

Anyway, pretty soon I’ll start projecting final standings for each division. After that, I’ll provide my playoff picks, and ultimately announce my pick for the Super Bowl. You will most likely bookmark all of my posts and be awed in February when my gift of uncanny foresight becomes evident. You may also be compelled to pay me a sum of money to advise you on your fantasy picks for the ensuing season.

I should note that my analysis is always based on a very pedestrian knowledge of the league and its teams. No X’s and O’s here. Just what my gut tells me. And I usually give those who actually cover the league a run for their money. I picked Indianapolis to go all the way back in August. Peter King and Dr. Z did not. I can’t even begin to imagine their embarrassment.

You may want to put off calling your bookie until I get through.

The Reagan factor

Now that I’ve all but convinced you of the validity of an Obama nomination, let’s discuss a prospective running mate. I think I’ve come up with an idea that would almost certainly capture the left-leaning-independent and ill-informed-and-utterly-confused conservative votes. I propose the selection of a prominent liberal with dynamite crossover appeal — Ron Reagan.

Imagine the campaign ads in, say, an Obama-Giuliani race. “What ticket would you rather vote for? One that includes a man who was merely influenced by the father of modern American conservatism or a man who was fathered by the father of modern American conservatism?”

The case for Obama

I won’t pretend to have this well-considered and reasonable justification for supporting the junior Illinois senator for the Democratic nomination. I really just want to vote for a black liberal. Particularly one of exotic origin who has a cool name. To vote for such a creature would make me feel very hip and very progressive. And I need to feel that way because I am still young and have yet to become a family man or obtain the resources necessary to own a home in a middle-class neighborhood.

This is all cute and funny until you realize that I’m not being sarcastic. This is really how I think.

Okay, I do have a few good reasons for favoring the biracial wunderkind. I think he’d put a friendlier face on America where foreign policy is concerned. That’s kind of important. It also helps that he isn’t Hillary, Rudy, Mitt or that guy from Law & Order. I can’t see any one of those nincompoops changing America for the better. Giuliani would torture all Muslims and ferrets. Romney would immediately start sending potentially dangerous dogs to a newly expanded Gitmo detention facility. Fred Thompson would leave office to take a starring role in a new sitcom as Ray Romano’s lovable-but-Italian-hating next-door neighbor. Clinton would let her husband turn the White House into Bunnyranch East.

Obama wouldn’t do any of those things. He’d probably get Kim Jong-Il, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and Muqtada Al-Sadr into a circle for an African tribal singalong, followed by anti-nuclear-proliferation and renunciation-of-terrorism pacts signed in ape’s blood.

Oh yeah…and his voice sounds just like The Rock’s.

Ahem

Still waiting for you to cut your husband’s dick off, Wendy Vitter. See, there’s this thing called “walking the walk.”

Memo to al-Zawahiri: Fuck. You.

Surely the world’s largest terrorist organization has bigger things to worry about than the knighthood of Salman Rushdie. According to No. 2’s latest podcast, however, that’s clearly not the case. For Sir Salman, the solution is easy — challenge them all to a joust!

Poor guy. First his hot wife bolts, and now the goddamn jihadists are after him again.

This Week In Stuff That's Charming

Tiny robots go at it in a soccer tournament at Georgia Tech. The funny thing about this is that, in all likelihood, most Americans would take considerably greater interest in this than the World Cup - the one played by human beings - if it were given the same level of hype.

This isn't just a bunch of nanotech eggheads mucking about, though. The idea is to someday train these wee robots to fight disease:

"The team one day hopes to be able to send their robots into a human's bloodstream to treat cancer, cell defects or for other medical uses."

...but not before we find out how well they perform in the 4-4-2 formation.

Mitt Bit Dog Shit

You know your campaign is screwed when the powerful canine lobby turns against you. Why all the growling and baring of fangs? Seems he did a Clark Griswold and tied his Irish setter to the top of his car during a long road trip back in 1983. The pooch - called Seamus, I guess because he was Irish and everything - returned the favor by defecating on the rear window of the Romney family truckster.

Someone should start a "Pit Bulls Against Michael Vick" blog now.

America needs me

I gave up on this blogging thing a while back because I didn't feel comfortable expressing strong opinions about the things I discussed. It's kinda not my thing. Felt like I was doing it more to emulate some of my blogger and reporter heroes and stroke my own ego than to provide real analysis on current events.

But now, I feel drawn back into this amorphous universe we call the blogosphere because I am genuinely concerned about the level of discourse to which we have fallen. Not that this is anything new. I am reminded of this old Onion story that was posted not long after 9/11. Back then, it seemed as though we might be cured of our deep fixation on the frivolous. But it didn't take long for us to begin caring about stupid bullshit again. Indeed, it's not hard to imagine the uncredited writer drafting that hilarious but poignant piece while news of so-and-so's break up/stint in rehab/fashion atrocity appears on the crawlers unleashed into perpetual motion by the cable news networks mere moments after American Airlines Flight 11 hit the north tower of the World Trade Center.

Okay...I'm only going to say this once. Listen carefully.

THIS PARIS HILTON SHIT IS NOT WORTHY OF OUR ATTENTION.

Whew. Just need to...catch...my breath.

Back to the point I'm trying to make. Does anyone realize there's a war going on? Anyone thinking about how serious the implications of this war's final result will be in terms of our nation's security and diplomatic power? The mounting casualties?

If you aren't, perhaps it's because the whole thing's being minimized by sensationalism.

I'll admit that I am often guilty of taking insufficient interest in matters related to the conflict. I am a product of the era of pop culture saturation. I am in no place to judge others for what piques their interest. This blog will rarely take on such heavy matters. My next post will likely feature a couple of hit-or-miss jokes about whatever's-in-the-news or some not-so-trenchant analysis of a Roxy Music album from the early 70s.

But I'm just some guy with a laptop. Unlike the aforementioned cable news networks, my views and opinions do not influence millions upon millions of Americans. If they did...well, I guess that would be kind of cool.

I'll conclude this post by embedding the video that compelled me to write it. Mika Brzezinski, an anchor for MSNBC (and daughter of Zbigniew Brzezinski), takes a shockingly bold stand for what she believes is right. This could very well have been staged, but let's just assume it's legit for now, shall we?

Pac Man Jones

Note to the tittie bars of America: Do not admit this man. So much for that vow he made to Titans fans in the Nashville newspaper.

Also on SI.com, Peter King, who has projected the Saints to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl (albeit in a loss to the Colts), has Drew Brees ranked third among all quarterbacks expected to start in '07. Rock on.

Sorry about the lack of commentary in this post. Bleurgh.

An icon discusses his member

From a recent interview with Rolling Stone:

"You write about things of importance to you. And it's gotta be for real. Do I think about my dick? Oh, yeah, all the time. If I think about it all the time, I got a right to sing about it. If I wasn't thinking about it all the time but thought, 'It's time to write a rock song, I'd better mention my dick,' then I wouldn't even be able to say 'dick' right. Besides, it's an ecological line. It's not, 'My dick is all bad, motherfucker, wickety wackety woo.' It's nature-oriented. [Pauses, looking serious, then laughs] It is!"

These aren't the words of some young, dumb and full of cum, just-got-signed mall punk pup. It's James Newell Osterberg, AKA Iggy Pop. Gotta love that man. Just days away from turning 60, he's more rock and roll than you could ever be, no matter how bad you think you are. Ya whippersnapper.

To learn more about this national treasure and his career, please refer to:

Gimme Danger, Raw Power
Loose, Fun House
Tonight, Lust for Life
Some Weird Sin, Lust for Life
Five Foot One, New Values
Butt Town, Brick by Brick
Candy, Brick by Brick

That's cute and everything, but...

The actual story here totally doesn't live up to the headline. I'm just saying.