UL-Monroe 21, Alabama 14

Another astonishing first-year embarrassment for The Douche. Back in 2000, I witnessed first hand the depantsing of LSU by the University of Alabama-Birmingham in Tiger Stadium. I remember disgusted fans calling into the postgame radio show immediately afterward and not-so-politely suggesting that Saban was hardly qualified to coach at the high school level. One week later, the Tigers knocked off a Tennessee team that was supposed to commit murder and not leave behind a corpse. So don’t count the little guy out, ‘Bama fans. But still…HA!

Soon to be joining the pantheon of former LSU coaches is Les Miles, who has an interesting seven weeks ahead of him now that Lloyd Carr has retired. I keep hearing these murmurs about Carr not wanting to be succeeded by Miles. Does a guy who’s lost six of his last seven against Ohio State even have a say in the matter? And while I’m on the subject, is it really more important to fans of Big Blue to have a winning record against the Buckeyes than to win national titles? Yes? Oh, okay then.

Peter Finney suggests two high-profile SEC candidates for the LSU job. One has gone undefeated and likely would have won a national championship with his 2004 team in any other year. The other evidently will be fired even if he knocks the Tigers out of contention for the BCS title on Friday. My view is that Skip Bertman should sit down with Bo Pelini and figure out what can be done to keep him in Baton Rouge for the long haul - but only if we can’t outbid Texas A&M for Tommy Tuberville. Don’t worry about the bad blood between Tuberville and Tiger Nation – you can be sure that there will be much kissing and making up if he takes the job. He isn’t even the most hated coach in our division anymore.

In NFL news, the Saints suck again and the Patriots are an alien team from the planet Xandor. They’d probably hang 56 on the ’72 Dolphins if that were possible. I guess it is, technically, though I wonder what amount of money it would take to get Nick Buoniconti and co. to suit up and chase Tom Brady and Randy Moss around for a few hours.

Not dead yet

Looks like the stroke I had over that horrendous start was premature. Mercifully, the line play has improved. You can see it in the way Brees has caught fire and in the fact that Bush has managed 4.6 yards per carry in the four victories. And the resurgence of Marques Colston was long overdue. The remaining schedule looks a lot more manageable with Chicago and Philadelphia looking like disappointments, but you have to be wary of teams like 0-8 St. Louis, who will no doubt sneak up on someone, at some point.

As far as winning the division goes, Tampa Bay plays absolutely no one other than our boys, Dec. 2. I can’t see Carolina making the playoffs with the three-headed quarterbacking monster of Vinny, Carr and that Matt Moore dude. And I threw Atlanta out of the running a long, long time ago.

In other news, the Patriots will lose when you least expect it. Or at the Giants. Or maybe not for another year.

My forecast

This is how I think it’ll all shake out. I was right on the nose with picking Indy to win it all last year, but less so in forecasting that they’d defeat the mighty Redskins.

AFC East:

1. New England
2. New York Jets
3. Buffalo
4. Miami

AFC North:

1. Baltimore
2. Pittsburgh*
3. Cincinnati
4. Cleveland

AFC South:

1. Indianapolis
2. Jacksonville
3. Tennessee
4. Houston

AFC West

1. San Diego
2. Denver*
3. Kansas City
4. Oakland

NFC East

1. Philadelphia
2. Dallas*
3. Washington
4. New York Giants

NFC North

1. Chicago
2. Green Bay
3. Minnesota
4. Detroit

NFC South

1. New Orleans
2. Carolina
3. Tampa Bay
4. Atlanta

NFC West

1. Seattle
2. St. Louis*
3. Arizona
4. San Francisco

AFC Wild Card: San Diego over Pittsburgh, Baltimore over Denver
AFC Divisional Playoffs: New England over San Diego, Indianapolis over Baltimore
AFC Championship: New England over Indianapolis

NFC Wild Card: St. Louis over Philadelphia, New Orleans over Dallas
NFC Divisional Playoffs: Seattle over St. Louis, Chicago over New Orleans
NFC Championship: Seattle over Chicago

Super Bowl XLII: New England over Seattle

Ahh you readaay fo’ some amateur prognostication?

I don’t know about you, but I’m in the mood to start talking about some fuckin’ football.

I know it’s early, but, as they say on ESPN, there’s no offseason. Of course there isn’t, precisely because ESPN perpetuates its coverage of the NFL year-round. I like that. I find the NBA boring, I have no respect for Major League Baseball right now, and I think the NHL should just go ahead and fold. And don’t even get me started on NASCAR.

Anyway, pretty soon I’ll start projecting final standings for each division. After that, I’ll provide my playoff picks, and ultimately announce my pick for the Super Bowl. You will most likely bookmark all of my posts and be awed in February when my gift of uncanny foresight becomes evident. You may also be compelled to pay me a sum of money to advise you on your fantasy picks for the ensuing season.

I should note that my analysis is always based on a very pedestrian knowledge of the league and its teams. No X’s and O’s here. Just what my gut tells me. And I usually give those who actually cover the league a run for their money. I picked Indianapolis to go all the way back in August. Peter King and Dr. Z did not. I can’t even begin to imagine their embarrassment.

You may want to put off calling your bookie until I get through.